Da Vinci Code Diet

Loading my groceries onto the conveyor belt this morning I noticed that Woman’s World featured a DVC Diet on page 18. As it happens, Dan Brown has embedded within his exposé of the Catholic Church the key to health and weight loss. The Fibonnacci Sequence tells us how to achieve the “Golden Mean” in proportioning our protiens, carbs, and fats. This information appears in a small text box; the rest of the two-page spread is largely testimonials from celebrities who have Fibonnaccied themselves thin.

It explains a lot, really. I mean, if you are reading this and you are fat, the only logical explanation is that it’s because you have no idea what the Fibonnacci Sequence is. If you’re a fat mathemetician, it’s because you have a postmodern disrespect for the thinkers of the past. If you’re not fat and don’t know the F. Sequence, it means you are a Gnostic élite, an Archon or Aeon (even if you don’t know it—the Church tried to suppress the Gnostics in the 2nd century, but you can’t suppress gnosis forever). That pretty much covers everybody.

But dammit, I was hoping that Benedict XVI was in cahoots with big agrobusiness, cursing my kiwis and plotting with Opus Dei to assume totalitarian command of Totino’s Party Pizzas.

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One Response to “Da Vinci Code Diet”

  1. Mark Says:

    I can think of several people who I’d like to tell to go Fibonnacci themselves.

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