I signed up for Joel Osteen’s “Word of the Day” daily e-mail several months ago, just to see what kind of teachings he would pull from the Bible, and what kind of exegetical torture he would put to some of the verses. Today’s is pure, 100% typical Osteen, which I reproduce here followed by my own commentary:
Archive for July, 2006
The other afternoon I went to turn on my TV, in order to watch some of the special features on The New World DVD during lunch. But the button simply caved into the set, offering no resistance whatsoever to my pressure. So now I’ve got a TV with a gaping hole where the power button used to be. I would have tried to turn on the set with the remote, but the AAA batteries in it were dead, and I haven’t thought to replace them yet. So my special features await . . .
I’ve been getting an “Oprah has spoken” ad in the “sponsored links” section of my Gmail recently. You’d think that the e-mails that triggered them were about Oprah, but no: one was a discussion about contraception and undergraduate morality, and the other was from someone telling me of a weekend of endless vomiting and diarrhea.
You do know that Oprah is one of the secular goddesses of our time, do you not? When Oprah speaks, it’s like an oracle. Or, an O-racle. That’s why her magazine is called “O.” In fact, I hear the OED is introducing a new adjective in its next update: “oprahcular: pertaining to prophetic words spoken by Oprah.”